Mental Health Update

I am 45, always did well in school, college, learned a second language & worked in a very good job for 21 years. I had a trauma at 19 & suffered depression, postpartum depression and recently anxiety, on and off, ever since. I handled it on my own, with family & friends, until 1995 when I decided that I could no longer treat depression by getting pregnant!

I then started antidepressants and have tried at least 30! None were very effective, for very long. I was able to work until 1999 & was first hospitalized in 2000. I had ECT's over the years as I just kept getting worse. Doctors were reluctant to try MAOI's due to their dietary restrictions even after diagnosing Atypical Depression.

At first when I had ECT's it helped. My memory and cognitive abilities returned except for the short period of time during and surrounding the ECT's. In 2003, I was cleared to return to work and attended college for 5 months, an OJT and a gradual return to work to increase my confidence and chance of success.

I had a relapse in 2005 and had to stop working again. I had obtained a 99% average in college and excellent performance appraisals on my OJT and from my actual job, as I always have. Afterwards my self-esteem was destroyed because I had tried so hard to get back on track and had the posting at work that I always dreamed of.

My depression became severe at that time and I had more ECT's & many hospitalizations. This resulted in my marriage being destroyed, conflict with my teenagers and eventually I was unable to care for them or even live in the same house. I am physically healthy and relatively young but cannot work and often feel totally useless!

Now I cannot remember the material I learned in college in 2003, names of co-workers, some past, and some current events, both positive and negative. I am not even sure most times whether or not I washed my hands, so just wash them again! I write everything down as I cannot rely on my memory and note that my math skills have decreased.

My psychiatrist says that my memory problems are not caused by ECT's but are caused by severe depression and anxiety, a brain that never stops and possibly the fact that I have hypothyroidism and obsessive tendencies. I think ECT's help initially but their benefits don't last long before more are needed. In the long run they do much more harm than good!

They have finally put me on MAOI's, now that my life has already been destroyed, so although they are a little better than the other meds it is too little too late! Ever since I began treatment my condition has progressively worsened to the point that I have lost all faith in psychiatry and pharmacology.